So last year was a lot of things for me. There is not a particular way to explain a lot. I let go of people I thought I would love forever. I fought for my life and my sanity and no one who said they cared even knew. So many blessings and so much favor attached to traumas laced with pain. I learned that I am not against love or any genuine expressions of it, but I am very much against how fake and commercial and perfect people tend to portray it. I learned that I am not just a- I am many things and I do my best to make room and take up room for every part of myself. So why did I feel like I was shrinking?
I have been in a bit of a funk since this year started. I know now that the less than cathartic state that I have been in since the end of December is a mixture of things, and a very pointed and intentional recipe was used when giving me my lessons. If you have been here, you know that I take as much care as possible to rest in my pleasure. I do as many things that please me as I can stand then when it doesn’t serve me anymore. I stop. Abruptly. I pivot. My most recent pivot and 180 was triggered by an OK date.
As a rule, I usually do not answer my DMs outside of business. From Instagram to Facebook, I just don’t. If you have a DM, you know that people will hop in there unhinged as fuck needing professional help for what disturbs them. My goodness. Anyway, in 2022 I answered 4.
I answered 1 because when this particular male came across my radar through mutual acquaintances, I was aesthetically interested and would have genuinely entertained more. He was a sassy 6’4 mother fucker for sure. I eat with my eyes and yes, I made a decision to fuck him if we had mutual intent from his IG. How’d he even get on my radar you ask, well it started with a follow but looking back I suspect we crossed paths in real life more than once. It is possible we never noticed one another before; I know I never noticed him before he made himself known. We were indifferent to one another or maybe averse, but we did it anyway, the entire year. We ate together often, there was a road trip, we laughed, we drank and sometimes we’d fuuuuck like we trusted each other with our lives.
From one kink on to the next fetish we explored and pushed and even crossed one another’s pleasure boundaries. He always text or talked about the more. It was all talk; he was only a doer if it was the freak shit. He had his own everything, but so did I, despite that he was not a generous or caring man to me. Maybe elsewhere, but here, no. From the 1st moment I did not move in his time it was like he was trying to 1 up me every time and somehow take advantage of me. I grew bored and tired eventually.
The 2nd was a woman. She and I met at a kink event I participated in in Dallas. At the event I could tell her energy wanted to be in mine again, but I never knew her name. It was dark and I was in uniform. I am very different when I am in my element. I am a Domme. I am protective, I am loving, I am stable, I am stern, and I am in control. In that space she needed that and the high that comes with can last a few days. It carried her to my inbox. I accepted. A violation: but I accepted nonetheless, I wanted to see her in daylight. I love women so it seemed logical at the time. On the phone, she was amazing, and she knew that. She was sure that I’d love it there, but again, I am visual. In person, I was less than delighted aesthetically, I am not able to fake sexual attraction, I told her exactly that and that closed every other door. She was also in a long-distance relationship with a man and leaving Texas for Atlanta in a few weeks. I did not want any of that.
The 3rd was another male. Mr. Nice Guy. Tech guy, fancy car and nice apartment. Teddy Bear of sorts but the kind you cuddle not hump. He was not attractive to me, but he was also not ugly. He was nice and knew the rules, but he was the type that was a friend in waiting. I could have hung out with him platonically because he knew how to be socially correct and had read enough blogs to give the right answers on issues concerning Women’s Rights, sexism and the 50/50 conversation. However, he was sexually attracted to me and wanted to fuck really bad. It was never going to happen.
He kept texting me to ‘Come here.” I hate driving and I felt like he was trying to find his angle in. There was not one. From FB he came, there he fucked up and remained. He implied that some part of me or my time were leftovers, and I took that personally. I blocked him. You are literally, hating from outside the exclusive club you can’t ever get in. Beware the Nice Guy.
The 4th was a male. He was nice enough, recently single and simply found me attractive. I was on my, “well fuck, why not?” He asked for my number to talk on the phone. I hate talking on the phone but somehow managed to hold a 3-hour conversation that was very even with this person. I found out a lot. He seemed a bit practical for my taste. He was wholesome in that American man way. Previously married, had teen kids, a seemingly decent head on his shoulders and a few streams of income. He asked me on a date, and I accepted. I am a very curious person, almost to the point of detriment but that’s for another time.
The date was not anything close to my worse one, he picked it and I just showed up when he said to. What it was though, was the proverbial straw on the camels back. It’s me. I am the Camel.
We went to a sushi spot; he was hesitant to drink and that made me wonder but I got him to try a sake flight with me although he was reluctant to because I had no definitive description of what sake tasted like. He ended up liking it. We ate our appetizers, talked and traded pleasantries.
After we were done, we walked the area to post-game and stopped to talk.
I was being cordial and close, but I have never been a super affectionate person. Still, I find a lot of men need physical touch to affirm your attraction to them. He wanted to touch me, so we stood and talked and for a while I let our shoulders and legs entangle one another, for a brief minute I thought we’d hang out again. The longer we carried on, I allowed the seldom groping, I am guessing out of being touch deprived and engaged in whatever I was supposed to take from this experience, but then it got ‘gropier’ if you will. I pivot. I step away and detail how I really hate the whole heavy shower of affection and touch.
I had been too nice. All year, I was so afraid to be vulnerable that I ended up being nice and that shit was gone now. I had avoided a lot of energy through most of the year but had chosen to engage with these energies at varying vibrations and now they were being rejected on every level.
The pressure valve had loosened, and I began to transmute that energy. It became an assertiveness; it was a surety in myself that had reinforced, and I had put my foot back down. It is not a brag, but my truth is that I am darker than light. In that darkness, I can be and will be the bad guy and, in that moment, I made a bit of peace with that.
As I stood there, I realized that He was ‘OK’ for someone and there was nothing particularly wrong with him, I just did not want anything about him, for him or from him. I have to say that I was not at all sexually attracted to this man from the start and between him smelling like Newport’s, Tequilla, and cologne I just did not want any of this.
As a matter of fact, I did not want anything partial, ok, or even just taking up my damned space any more at all. I was ready to go. He took a call; I took a call, and he dropped me back to my Jeep. He called to make sure I got home safe, and it was done.
Our encounter had brought some very interesting things about me to surface. I do not mean to suffer peoples non-compliance and selfishness, if I do not want to, I am just horribly curious about human nature. That type of curiosity and disregard to my instincts often gets me cheated and usually to the benefit of the other person.
As long as I don’t allow the ‘What if I am wrong?” to creep in, I can have whatever I want. When I take care to not waste time on things I absolutely loathe and have no desire for past the moment I can have all the things that I want. I deserve whatever I desire. The best part is when I trust myself things tend to turn out exactly how I want if not better.
I deleted him and blocked all things him. But no, no, no my dears. It did not stop with him though I just kept going. Mr. Nice Guy had to fucking go. Mrs. Love It Here had been departed. Mr. Sassy pants though, he thought it was a joke. His bare minimum and my indifference had taken him further than clarity would’ve allowed. He was trying to manipulate a business tie with me that he failed to close. I had to be the bad guy with Mr. Sassy Pants and remind him that you finish business before sex, and he could not force a co-own partnership on me. Yes, he threatened me. I do not want any of that, so I moved on.
The sudden realization that I had been creating experiences that were well below what I desired gave me a feeling of settling. Nothing that I had chosen to give my attention to was good enough for me. Some of those things were not even worthy of the privilege of being in my presence. I felt like I needed more and that the only compromises I’d agreed to were created and engaged in by me. I could not blame them for having exactly what they wanted 1st.
I have more than a few texts and voicemail from some of them because the pivot was so abrupt and sudden that it was probably hard to believe. I didn’t want to be bound by things that did not serve me, so I began the process of unbinding myself. I do not think I was particularly emotionally attached to anyone, but I was carnally attached to them in different ways. I was finding that each encounter became less satisfying. I had the strongest sense of rejection for myself, and it was all because I was settling. I did not feel like I owed anything to anyone but myself so I just stopped.
I decided to feel more pleasure, have more genuine-beneficial connections and since everybody will eat my ass, I decided they’d have to be worthy in every way. I am not looking for marriage but that does not mean I have to miss love. I felt like I was shrinking into a person who would not love if I kept accepting placed holders.
I don’t know why but I do know that I am the fuck over it, and we will check back in a few months and see what happens when I take up all the space meant for me.