What is aftercare; it is doing whatever is needed to bring your partner back to a safe head space and calm them after an encounter. It is usually a healing practice performed in dominant/submissive dynamic and is usually carried out after scenes in the BDSM community.
It is the time that you pamper, treat, spoil and check-in with your partner to kind of refill what has been drained. It is a good way to ensure both parties still feel safe, protected, and respected.
The physiological affects of any scene are potent, but with the enhanced connection that is formed between you and your long-term partners because of intimacy and more personal attachments it can be used as a tool to communicate and offer reassurance in a vanilla space.
After care never takes on just one form. It always depends on the people in the dynamic and what they have already discussed. After care is just like any other aspect of the discipline; you have to discuss it, negotiate terms, and set boundaries that are comfortable for everyone involved. It is usually not a conscious part of vanilla sex.
My BDSM journey has led me to some truths about myself in my vanilla life and I have had to take an inventory of my sex life.
I am disappointed and embarrassed but proud about where I am heading. The majority of my partners who fortunately come with many pleasures, don’t always finish the job because the after parts are left in tattered shambles.
The background on me is that I choose partners who are unavailable in some aspect.
Whether it be emotionally, physically, or mentally you can almost bet that long term I do not choose people who are wholly available because it leaves me less obligation on my end. I have even ignored the financially unavailable and challenged, a mistake that changed my karma but is another story. Judge your mother, I am growing past it but, here is the result of that phase and experiment.
Those partners don’t ever feel any obligation to me or my post sex happiness because we are not in traditional relationships, we have not had a conversation about what sexual satisfaction looks like for us after the fact and because my ignorance to my needs have forged a space of ‘no requirements’.
I am not sure, but I feel like a lot of times they just leave it to one of my other partners or myself to do. I do not think they really even think about it because it is not really a common thing in our culture. I suppose the dates and titles are the way we are able to skip after care or reduce the need for it traditionally, but I have learned I require something different in every aspect.
I know that when it comes to sex, I give a lot of myself and push a lot of my boundaries to experience pleasure and somewhat teeter on the brink of insane bliss. I do this for both myself and my partners, my aim is always to receive and give pleasure even if orgasm is not on the table. I do not mind that but when the encounter is over in the most physical and X-rated ways it is the chain of events after that the seal the deal.
I like intimacy and interaction. I discovered this after I had a 1 night stand last year. He was forward about what he wanted to do with me and for me and to me… lord… We had an actual fucking date that he figured out before he got to Dallas. All I had to do was show up and be myself. He was a gentleman in every aspect. I knew before our date that I wanted to ride his face to show my gratitude for his approach, so I was delighted that after our night cap back at my place, he took initiative, waited for my consent, and then ate me like a thanksgiving feast. Of course, we fucked, it was super good, and we were hungry after; 24-hour cafe it is. In the restaurant I experienced another orgasm completely separate of sex, I had on PJ’s and fluffy slippers, he took my feet in his lap under the table and rubbed them while I drank my coffee and waited for crepes. 2 nights stand me please. He was either something I was not ready for or a really nice fuck boy… either way, in that moment I was delighted and fulfilled. I had also learned something about me that I had started to pay attention to. My needs and requirements were changing fast when it came to how I wanted to engage in pleasure. I no longer believed that the orgasm in bed was the last one to be had and as a pleasure seeker, I want it to feel good all the time.
It has been a few seasons since, but now I know after care for me in my vanilla world looks like service submission and friendship. We can watch tv and order DoorDash, we could ride bikes at the lake or lay in the sun, we can be quiet and read side by side. We could take a nap, or you could rub my feet at a baseball game while I down Jack and Coke. Gotta go? Send me some lunch money, flowers, or something. It does not matter as long as you care after and check in.
If I do not receive that type of care, I am exhausted to the point of not wanting to share energy with my partner until I am accommodated, I get cold and detached, I feel unappreciated for my spectacular performance (J/K), I am less willing to be as open to sharing my space again because I do not wish to be literally drained of my source.
I care if my partners are satisfied, happy and fulfilled in my vanilla encounters as much as I care about my subs getting what they need in a safe, sane, and consensual way. I managed to skip over the part where I required the same, if not more attention and care. Self-Care is a practice an Aftercare is becoming a vital part of that practice in my sex life too.
